There has not been a day that has gone by since August 6th that my heart hasn't ached for our Baby Crew. Yes, with each passing day the memory stings a little less, but the hole is still there and will always be. He was my child, and I miss him every single day. I am forever changed in many aspects...the good and the bad.
I would be having little Crew this month and pictured him with us at Christmas. I've been dreading this month for the fear of the unknown.
Perspective is a powerful thing. The day before Thanksgiving I was walking out of Carter's school party and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude filled me. As I was walking to my car, tears filled my eyes as I felt so blessed....blessed to have had the opportunity to carry Crew for that 19 weeks. I felt him move inside of me. I saw a glimpse of his personality on several ultra sounds. I held him. I talked to him. I kissed his forehead. I told him that I loved him and that I'd see him again. It was a gift to be able to say good-bye and to know that he was my child. It was the purest gratitude, and I'm thankful to have felt it for that brief moment.
I wish I could always have that feeling. I wish I was a big fatso with back labor and swollen ankles. I wish I could hold him again right now. I wish I could watch him grow. I wish a lot of things.
But I know that this pain is necessary, and as much as I hurt, I know Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. This pain has helped me understand the Savior more. He endured my pain along with everyone else's. He is an example in every way. When He was in the Garden, He called out to His Father for help. I believe another reason for this was to show us where to go when we are broken and in need of help only God can give.
Perspective is key. I will try to hold onto those brief moments of clarity and recognize the source. As I look at attributes of the Savior...courage, humility, charity...I know that through His example, He can guide us to peace.
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9 comments:
A beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this experience. It puts things into perspective for the rest of us also. You are a special person!
Love this....Thank you!
I think about you often. I'm so happy that you have this perspective...even though it's still hard. Little Crew will be yours forever. Big hugs from us...
You really write so beautifully. That's where Tay Tay gets it from for sure!! (ok, never read anything from Willy so I shouldn't rule him out!) :)
But truly, such a touching post. I think of you often, and I too wish you were a fatso right now... but am glad you have sweet glimpses of the eternal perspective!!
Loves!!
So sweet to read Leslie. You have always had exceptional perspective in your life. So I shouldn't be surprised by it seeping to the forefront again in this situation but one would think this is when you'd "throw in the towel," and that's exactly what you did not do. I look up to you more than you know.
I am so sorry Leslie. I love how you pointed out the plea the Savior had for our Heavenly Father. I've never thought of it that way. That is so true. My sister went through these same feelings, and it was so hard on her. I wish I could come over and give you a big squeeze. Your kids and Willy are so lucky to have a mom/wife that has such a love and appreciation for the Savior especially when your down. He will lift you up and help you through this. He is the only way to see your sweet little guy again. What a wonderful day that will be for you. Love ya!
I enjoyed this post and cried along with you! I am sorry you are still hurting. Chelsea made the comment when we got your card that you would have been pregnant! You will be again soon. I love you, and ya...I agree with Ann, you are so good at expressing yourself.
When you post, I feel blessed. It is always food for the soul and mind and a look into your heart that a mother-in-law cherishes. Thank you. It may seem strange, but I, too, feel the void. It was the first thing I thought of when Willy called me; there would always, for now, be an empty space. And nary a day goes by that I don't also grieve. The Eternal Plan is the net that catches our grief and returns the bounty to our lives. Love you all....Jude
Leslie, I am totally crying!!! I always felt crazy telling people this. However, I think you might understand it. I used to dream that I woke up in this beautiful garden. As I started to explore I found my beautiful baby boy nestled in a baby basket. I can't even express the joy it gave me. I loved reading your post it took me back in time. Your perspective is inspiring. I don't ever want to forget why I am here and what's really important. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts. Love Jessie
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