There has not been a day that has gone by since August 6th that my heart hasn't ached for our Baby Crew. Yes, with each passing day the memory stings a little less, but the hole is still there and will always be. He was my child, and I miss him every single day. I am forever changed in many aspects...the good and the bad.
I would be having little Crew this month and pictured him with us at Christmas. I've been dreading this month for the fear of the unknown.
Perspective is a powerful thing. The day before Thanksgiving I was walking out of Carter's school party and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude filled me. As I was walking to my car, tears filled my eyes as I felt so blessed....blessed to have had the opportunity to carry Crew for that 19 weeks. I felt him move inside of me. I saw a glimpse of his personality on several ultra sounds. I held him. I talked to him. I kissed his forehead. I told him that I loved him and that I'd see him again. It was a gift to be able to say good-bye and to know that he was my child. It was the purest gratitude, and I'm thankful to have felt it for that brief moment.
I wish I could always have that feeling. I wish I was a big fatso with back labor and swollen ankles. I wish I could hold him again right now. I wish I could watch him grow. I wish a lot of things.
But I know that this pain is necessary, and as much as I hurt, I know Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. This pain has helped me understand the Savior more. He endured my pain along with everyone else's. He is an example in every way. When He was in the Garden, He called out to His Father for help. I believe another reason for this was to show us where to go when we are broken and in need of help only God can give.
Perspective is key. I will try to hold onto those brief moments of clarity and recognize the source. As I look at attributes of the Savior...courage, humility, charity...I know that through His example, He can guide us to peace.
Showing posts with label Crew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crew. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Labors of Love
Flowers, cards, emails, texts, yummy dinners and goodies, help with kids, visits, thoughtful gifts, words of comfort, cleaning ladies sent over to clean my house (which started as a gift given by my friend Julie, but will now be a monthly bill for Willy...it was just too great), flowers planted along my walkway by Annie and Jen, all of the many prayers offered in our behalf...thank you all.
Friday, August 7, 2009
August 6th - Crew's Day
Yesterday we lost our sweet baby. He was born at 19 1/2 weeks on August 6th. We have been calling him Crew, and we will continue to do so. He is our Crew, and he was precious.
We came home from the hospital last night. Sleep felt so good. When I woke up early this morning, panic set in and the pain from the previous day picked up right where it left off from the night before. I so wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't.
I could write all of this in my own journal because it is so personal, but I don't care. This is about our family, and it is real, and I honor Crew Nikolaus with this post. I am doing this for a much needed outlet for myself and for my family.
The last 2 days have reached pain beyond my imagination. I have always believed that the Lord does not give us anything more than we can bare. Although I still know that deep down, I have questioned it many times in the last 24 hours. Right now this feels like so much more than I can bare.
Having said that, I am aware of the outpouring of love that surrounds me as well as my family. Family and friends have been answers to my heart's silent prayers in the last 2 days. In this grief, I have felt my Father in Heaven's love for me and know that He is real. I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday crying and searching for things in my head that I knew and that made sense to me. I am going to record those things that spoke to my heart because I don't want to forget them, and I know I may as time passes.
1. Love is a husband who spends 28 hours by his wife's side in a hospital room, who is able to give her a blessing of healing and comfort, whose touch on her leg speaks words of love and assurance....and through his own grief, he finds the strength to be what she needs.
2. Willy and I have been privileged to have 3 beautiful miracles walking on this earth. Sweet Taylor, Carter and Tate. What blessings they are in our lives. There is a new fight/resolve in my heart to be a better mom, to love them more, and to make sure they know what I know about the Plan of Salvation and who Jesus Christ really is. I know that there will be a day when we are joined by our little Crew, and my heart can't wait.
3. Families pull together during times like these. My sweet sister, Jenny, stayed with the kids Wednesday and Thursday and loved them like no other. I have felt tremendous love from my parents, Bryan & Rachel, Jeff, and all of my in-laws. I have felt their prayers, and I love each of them.
4. Heavenly Father sends strength and love to those in need through His angels on earth. A week ago at my ultrasound when we found out something could be wrong, they scheduled me to see a specialist. The soonest they could get me in anywhere was 2 weeks...it seemed like a lifetime to wait and worry. However, I was able to have an ultrasound on Wednesday the 5th by my dear friend, Jenn. It was with Jenn that we discovered that the potential bad news learned the previous week had turned into horrifying news...Crew had no heartbeat. His chord had become twisted and kinked, and he was not getting food. I CANNOT even imagine sharing that horrendous moment with a stranger. How blessed I feel that I could cry with a friend whom I love. Again, there is no doubt that it was my Heavenly Father's hand. He did not allow me to go through that with a stranger.
5. I came home from that awful afternoon and pulled into the garage. Not even 2 minutes later there was a knock on my door from our Bishop. He listened and gave words of comfort that I know came from above...and looking back, were crucial to that exact moment.
6. Dear, dear friends are invaluable. I've had visits, dinners, emails, babysitting offers, phone calls and countless texts from loved ones that have lifted me if but for a moment. There are no words to describe the gratitude I feel for that as well as the comfort in knowing help is out there.
7. At the hospital, I was in the absolute best care possible....Dr. Huish, my two incredible nurses, Toni and Rakay, my amazing anesthesiologist, Barbara, were unbelievably incredible and understanding and heaven-sent.
8. Lastly, and this is the hardest...this was by far my most difficult pregnancy. I was sick like I've never been, even up until the night before delivery. And, this has been by far the most painful and difficult experience I have faced in my whole life. What I do know though is that I would do it all again for the opportunity to help give Crew's heavenly spirit a body. I LOVE him. We love him.
I didn't know how I was going to cope and make it through the last 24 hours, but it happened. I really don't know how I am going to make it through today, tomorrow or next week either, but I know that somehow it will happen. I know that I am not alone, and that I'm being watched over. And that, is the most priceless knowledge.
We came home from the hospital last night. Sleep felt so good. When I woke up early this morning, panic set in and the pain from the previous day picked up right where it left off from the night before. I so wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't.
I could write all of this in my own journal because it is so personal, but I don't care. This is about our family, and it is real, and I honor Crew Nikolaus with this post. I am doing this for a much needed outlet for myself and for my family.
The last 2 days have reached pain beyond my imagination. I have always believed that the Lord does not give us anything more than we can bare. Although I still know that deep down, I have questioned it many times in the last 24 hours. Right now this feels like so much more than I can bare.
Having said that, I am aware of the outpouring of love that surrounds me as well as my family. Family and friends have been answers to my heart's silent prayers in the last 2 days. In this grief, I have felt my Father in Heaven's love for me and know that He is real. I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday crying and searching for things in my head that I knew and that made sense to me. I am going to record those things that spoke to my heart because I don't want to forget them, and I know I may as time passes.
1. Love is a husband who spends 28 hours by his wife's side in a hospital room, who is able to give her a blessing of healing and comfort, whose touch on her leg speaks words of love and assurance....and through his own grief, he finds the strength to be what she needs.
2. Willy and I have been privileged to have 3 beautiful miracles walking on this earth. Sweet Taylor, Carter and Tate. What blessings they are in our lives. There is a new fight/resolve in my heart to be a better mom, to love them more, and to make sure they know what I know about the Plan of Salvation and who Jesus Christ really is. I know that there will be a day when we are joined by our little Crew, and my heart can't wait.
3. Families pull together during times like these. My sweet sister, Jenny, stayed with the kids Wednesday and Thursday and loved them like no other. I have felt tremendous love from my parents, Bryan & Rachel, Jeff, and all of my in-laws. I have felt their prayers, and I love each of them.
4. Heavenly Father sends strength and love to those in need through His angels on earth. A week ago at my ultrasound when we found out something could be wrong, they scheduled me to see a specialist. The soonest they could get me in anywhere was 2 weeks...it seemed like a lifetime to wait and worry. However, I was able to have an ultrasound on Wednesday the 5th by my dear friend, Jenn. It was with Jenn that we discovered that the potential bad news learned the previous week had turned into horrifying news...Crew had no heartbeat. His chord had become twisted and kinked, and he was not getting food. I CANNOT even imagine sharing that horrendous moment with a stranger. How blessed I feel that I could cry with a friend whom I love. Again, there is no doubt that it was my Heavenly Father's hand. He did not allow me to go through that with a stranger.
5. I came home from that awful afternoon and pulled into the garage. Not even 2 minutes later there was a knock on my door from our Bishop. He listened and gave words of comfort that I know came from above...and looking back, were crucial to that exact moment.
6. Dear, dear friends are invaluable. I've had visits, dinners, emails, babysitting offers, phone calls and countless texts from loved ones that have lifted me if but for a moment. There are no words to describe the gratitude I feel for that as well as the comfort in knowing help is out there.
7. At the hospital, I was in the absolute best care possible....Dr. Huish, my two incredible nurses, Toni and Rakay, my amazing anesthesiologist, Barbara, were unbelievably incredible and understanding and heaven-sent.
8. Lastly, and this is the hardest...this was by far my most difficult pregnancy. I was sick like I've never been, even up until the night before delivery. And, this has been by far the most painful and difficult experience I have faced in my whole life. What I do know though is that I would do it all again for the opportunity to help give Crew's heavenly spirit a body. I LOVE him. We love him.
I didn't know how I was going to cope and make it through the last 24 hours, but it happened. I really don't know how I am going to make it through today, tomorrow or next week either, but I know that somehow it will happen. I know that I am not alone, and that I'm being watched over. And that, is the most priceless knowledge.
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