August 6th - Crew's Day

Yesterday we lost our sweet baby. He was born at 19 1/2 weeks on August 6th. We have been calling him Crew, and we will continue to do so. He is our Crew, and he was precious.

We came home from the hospital last night. Sleep felt so good. When I woke up early this morning, panic set in and the pain from the previous day picked up right where it left off from the night before. I so wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't.

I could write all of this in my own journal because it is so personal, but I don't care. This is about our family, and it is real, and I honor Crew Nikolaus with this post. I am doing this for a much needed outlet for myself and for my family.

The last 2 days have reached pain beyond my imagination. I have always believed that the Lord does not give us anything more than we can bare. Although I still know that deep down, I have questioned it many times in the last 24 hours. Right now this feels like so much more than I can bare.

Having said that, I am aware of the outpouring of love that surrounds me as well as my family. Family and friends have been answers to my heart's silent prayers in the last 2 days. In this grief, I have felt my Father in Heaven's love for me and know that He is real. I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday crying and searching for things in my head that I knew and that made sense to me. I am going to record those things that spoke to my heart because I don't want to forget them, and I know I may as time passes.

1. Love is a husband who spends 28 hours by his wife's side in a hospital room, who is able to give her a blessing of healing and comfort, whose touch on her leg speaks words of love and assurance....and through his own grief, he finds the strength to be what she needs.

2. Willy and I have been privileged to have 3 beautiful miracles walking on this earth. Sweet Taylor, Carter and Tate. What blessings they are in our lives. There is a new fight/resolve in my heart to be a better mom, to love them more, and to make sure they know what I know about the Plan of Salvation and who Jesus Christ really is. I know that there will be a day when we are joined by our little Crew, and my heart can't wait.

3. Families pull together during times like these. My sweet sister, Jenny, stayed with the kids Wednesday and Thursday and loved them like no other. I have felt tremendous love from my parents, Bryan & Rachel, Jeff, and all of my in-laws. I have felt their prayers, and I love each of them.

4. Heavenly Father sends strength and love to those in need through His angels on earth. A week ago at my ultrasound when we found out something could be wrong, they scheduled me to see a specialist. The soonest they could get me in anywhere was 2 weeks...it seemed like a lifetime to wait and worry. However, I was able to have an ultrasound on Wednesday the 5th by my dear friend, Jenn. It was with Jenn that we discovered that the potential bad news learned the previous week had turned into horrifying news...Crew had no heartbeat. His chord had become twisted and kinked, and he was not getting food. I CANNOT even imagine sharing that horrendous moment with a stranger. How blessed I feel that I could cry with a friend whom I love. Again, there is no doubt that it was my Heavenly Father's hand. He did not allow me to go through that with a stranger.

5. I came home from that awful afternoon and pulled into the garage. Not even 2 minutes later there was a knock on my door from our Bishop. He listened and gave words of comfort that I know came from above...and looking back, were crucial to that exact moment.

6. Dear, dear friends are invaluable. I've had visits, dinners, emails, babysitting offers, phone calls and countless texts from loved ones that have lifted me if but for a moment. There are no words to describe the gratitude I feel for that as well as the comfort in knowing help is out there.

7. At the hospital, I was in the absolute best care possible....Dr. Huish, my two incredible nurses, Toni and Rakay, my amazing anesthesiologist, Barbara, were unbelievably incredible and understanding and heaven-sent.

8. Lastly, and this is the hardest...this was by far my most difficult pregnancy. I was sick like I've never been, even up until the night before delivery. And, this has been by far the most painful and difficult experience I have faced in my whole life. What I do know though is that I would do it all again for the opportunity to help give Crew's heavenly spirit a body. I LOVE him. We love him.

I didn't know how I was going to cope and make it through the last 24 hours, but it happened. I really don't know how I am going to make it through today, tomorrow or next week either, but I know that somehow it will happen. I know that I am not alone, and that I'm being watched over. And that, is the most priceless knowledge.